Divorce Humor

She married him because he was such a “strong man”. She divorced him because he was such a “dominating male.”

He married her because she was so “fragile and petite.”He divorced her because she was so “weak and helpless.”

She married him because “he knows how to provide a good living.”She divorced him because “all he thinks about is business.”

He married her because “she reminds me of my mother.”He divorced her because “she’s getting more like her mother every day.”

She married him because he was “happy and romantic.”She divorced him because he was “shiftless and fun-loving.”

He married her because she was “steady and sensible.”He divorced her because she was “boring and dull.”

She married him because he was “the life of the party.”She divorced him because he is always “the life of the party.”

Definition of Divorce: The future tense of marriage.

Question: Why is divorce so expensive?
Answer: Because it’s worth it.

“Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we’re incompatible. I’m a Virgo and he’s an asshole.”

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

Marriage is a three-ring circus.
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

For Sale
Wedding dress, size 12
Worn once by mistake.

There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman
Before marriage and after marriage.

“I’m a big opponent of divorce. Why leave the nut you got for one you don’t know?”
— Loretta Lynn

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?” “Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.

Did You know 35% of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Former Education Secretary William Bennett attended a modern wedding where the bride and groom pledged in their wedding vows to remain together “as long as love shall last.” Bennett said, “I sent paper plates as my wedding gift.”

My soon-to-be ex-husband brought his girlfriend to divorce court this week. I guess they figured she might as well know what to expect.

A Woman’s Perfect Breakfast
You’re sitting at the breakfast table…
Your son’s picture is on the box of Wheaties
Your daughter is on the cover of Fortune
Your boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl
Your husband is on the back of the milk carton.

A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, “Judge, we want a divorce.” The judge says, “You’ve been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?” The couple say in unison, “Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead.”

Love may be blind, but marriage Is a real eye-opener!

Get a New Car for Your Spouse.
It’ll be a Great Trade!

They need a new line of greeting cards just for divorce…
Front of card would say…”Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…” Then you open the card and inside it would say: “What the #(*#$($* was I thinking?”


Front of card would say: “As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…”. Then you open the card and it says: “that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”